Am I the only one who is apprehensive about saying: “I’m so happy” for fear that something unimaginable and dreadful will happen? No? Just me…figures.
I did something really scary recently. I released fear and expectations. I released the fear of the unknown. Fall 2011 I started to get anxious…biological ticking and all that jazz (and that’s even with me not being 100 percent about wanting kids of my own). I was also slightly depressed about how long it had been since I was in a meaningful, “reciprocal” relationship. I had been in “relationships…” bad ones, hurtful ones where I gave 150% and was satisfied with a 25% effort in return. I was giving each
boy man all kinds of second chances and benefit of the doubt. Ridiculous. Fortunately I woke up and got a clue. And as a result, I purged. I released the fear of being alone. I embraced the blessings that I do have—friends who love me unconditionally. Great men and women of faith who support me and always have my back…and will share their opinion (sometimes unsolicited) when they think I need to be made aware of something.
Although, I walk through life with a spirit of expectancy (I expect good things, simply put); I’m making a conscious effort, when it comes to relationships, to stop planning ahead and just “enjoy” the moment. Our lives consist of millions of “moments.” Those moments are what make life special. Currently, I am enjoying the company of a friend. He makes me laugh. He gets me (well, he almost gets me, I don’t think he fully understands the extent of my Elmo obsession, but that’s a post for another day). Have we put a label on our relationship? Nope. Am I technically still single? Yep. Are we dating? Depends on your definition. What I do know is this…I like being in the moment. I like not having to wonder about the what if’s. I love knowing that for the first time in a very long time, our feelings are reciprocal. The give and take is equal. He cares about me just as much as I care about him. That feels really good.
So the point of today’s post? I’m happy. I have no idea what the future holds, but I’m happy…and that’s all that matters in this moment.
As I approach my upcoming 33rd birthday (I know, gasp, a woman revealing her true age in a public forum), I am starting to feel like a cow marching towards slaughter. It’s crazy, everywhere I look, people are trying to marry me off. I, personally, don’t feel like these are “desperate” times but apparently my mother and every other 50 something adult feels the need to try and find the ONE for me. What?!#…talk about pressure.
Don’t get it twisted, I would rather not be single right now, but I don’t want to feel like a piece of meat either. For example, I was in church on Easter and one of the elders of the church made the point of telling about his wonderful, newly divorced 40 something year old son who would be absolutely perfect for me. I’m constantly hearing about somebody’s cousin, nephew or brother, who is apparently my knight in shining armor. Yeah, okay. I’m not saying that one of these fantastic men may not be the one for me…but really, it is so awful that I am waiting on love and marriage at my own pace. This is one aspect of my life I don’t want to rush, for which I am willing to wait …and totally ready to accept the fact the wait may be longer than I initially anticipated. What can I say…God’s Will.
I really wish I would learn how to take my own advice. Instead of getting out there and “Surveying the Scene” as I stated I would do in an earlier post, I have been looking for love in all the wrong places…yep, ladies and gents I have turned into a workholic. No fun, just work ALL THE TIME. If I am not working on my business, then I am doing stuff for the day job. If I am not focused completely on work, then I am working on church business (which I am totally not complaining about–I love working for the Lord). But when does any of that translate into me time? Duh, it doesn’t; thus, that burnt out feeling begins.
Who knows why I am feeling this way…perhaps it is the approach of another birthday being single in my 30’s. Sometimes I feel empowered, other times I feel…a bit lonely. It’s a rollercoaster. But all I can do is be patient, and see where I land.
So, today I promise to take time for myself. Recharge, Rejuvenate and Release…I think it’s time that I take care of who should be the most important person in my life—me.